I recently attended the graveside service for a stillborn baby.
Although the rate of stillbirth is low, the rate of miscarriage is much higher.
Chances are you know someone who’s experienced a miscarriage if you haven’t personally. Studies tell us that one in four women have experienced a loss, either early or later in pregnancy.
This can be an emotional time for a mom and the family. The emotions vary from tremendous sadness and grief to relief. Personally, I have experienced four losses with two of them in the second trimester.
If you’ve experienced a pregnancy loss, here are a few suggestions I’ve found personally and online:
- Allow yourself time to grieve. This is one thing I didn’t do for our baby that died right before Christmas. I didn’t want to affect others at that happy time of year. Grieving is a process that takes time. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief.
- Don’t expect your partner to grieve the same way. Since my husband didn’t feel the baby or see the babies, he grieved in a different manner.
- Don’t close yourself off from others.
- Get support. There are helpful support groups to attend in person or online.
- Journal or make a scrapbook. After our losses, I wrote out the story of each baby and included ultrasound pictures, cards from others and personal items.
- Have someone else take care of baby items if that will be easier for you.
- Do something in remembrance. I have an ornament with Josiah’s name on it for his loss at Christmas time. I also have two bushes planted that flower at the time of the anniversary of other losses. My friend, mentioned above, has planted a beautiful flower garden in memory of her daughter.
If you have someone you know who’s miscarried or had a still birth, here are some things to keep in mind:
- Don’t say they can have more children—you don’t know that, besides a new baby doesn’t take the place of the baby they have lost.
- Don’t tell her, ‘At least you weren’t further along.’ Some women bond immediately with the positive pregnancy test, and some don’t. For me, I bonded right away.
- Don’t say, ‘It was for the best,’ or, ‘There must have been something wrong with the baby.’
- Try not to complain about your pregnancy to her if you’re pregnant.
- Be a listener if she wants to talk. Let her know you care, but unless you’ve experienced a loss, don’t tell her how she should be feeling.
- Remember the anniversary with her and acknowledge the baby’s existence.
Time will heal is a saying. It is true, although there will always be that special spot in my heart for each of our babies who didn’t live here on Earth.
I was a perinatal grief counselor for 7 years. The cliche “everything happens for a reason” can be very hurtful to some parents. There is no good reason for tragic loss, but we create meaning out of difficult life experiences. Each family needs to be allowed to find that (or not) for themselves. I met some incredible, resilient and compassionate people. I am always in awe of our capacity for love!
True, thanks for sharing Faith!
I had a stillbirth at 37 weeks. It was my first child and I was devastated. This was 35 years ago and thinking about still brings tears. Your article was very good and I wish there were grief counselors back then. My husband didn’t understand my grief and many others made all the comments you mentioned. I sometimes think I should find a counselor now to finish the grieving process. Thank you for writing this.
I had no one to help me thru the loss of my daughter. I was isolated from everyone by her dad. I sunk deep into depression and it got worse when I found out I was pregnant with baby #3. I bonded with my 1st daughter once I found out I was pregnant with her. Then again with my 2nd daughter when I found out I was having another. But because of losing her at 5 months I was so scared to love the new baby growing inside me. I had no one to talk to, no one to cry to, no one to help me grieve. Even after my son was born it was hard for me to bond with him. I kept asking why was I given my 1st and 3rd child but couldn’t have my 2nd? Why was my only 1st with her that one tiny cry she let out before she took her last breath? For 8 years I kept everything of hers from her funeral packed away in a box. Every year on her birthday, the day she grew her wings, I would write to her. 4 years ago I began creating an event on facebook and invited all my friends and family to join me no matter where they were on that day to just look up and say “happy birthday Emily.” Every year more friends and family join and leave me the most heartfelt, loving, encouraging, hopeful messages to help me get thru that day. I still dread her birthday but knowing I finally have love and support and am free from isolation I was able to pull out the boxes of her belongings and put them on a shelf for all to see. I still cry and question why, but each year I make it thru. Her sisters and brother talk about how they wish they could meet their sister up in heaven and I smile and cry a little. Often some family members will say I have 3 kids, but with a smile on my face I say “no. I have 4. Emily may be at peace, but she still grew inside my womb and was and will forever be my daughter.”
Sue and Gina, I’m sorry for what you both went through. The grieving process can take time. Yet even with time we will never forget these children. Thanks you for sharing your stories.
I lost our son at 36 weeks. One of the many helpful things that people did for us was bringing food to our house. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the grocery store. Since I had been on hospital bed rest for two weeks before hand we really did not have a lot of food in the house when we got home. We also have a tree planted to remember our son by and I plan on doing a small memory garden as well.
I never personally had a miscarriage, but my sister-in-law had a still birth at 39 weeks. It was indeed very painful. I love your suggestions at what NOT to say. Sometimes the best thing to do is offer a listening ear and comfort.
Autumn, thanks for sharing. That’s great that you have the tree you planted to remember your son. The memory garden will be very special!
I am the mother of two living children and two that were miscarried. It deeply affects you and you never forget it. You are so right about the things people shouldn’t say to mothers who’ve experienced loss. I had someone tell me one week after my miscarriage that I wasn’t getting any younger and my husband and I needed to start trying for #2 right away. It was all I could do not to burst into tears.
Our second daughter is now 2 months. I was on pins and needles with worry my entire pregnancy. Miscarriage certainly can change you in a lot of ways.
Best wishes for you and your daughter, Angela. 🙂
This is very helpful advice. I have known a few women who have had this issue, and I struggled with how to encourage them. When in doubt, I just tried to listen. Thanks for sharing!