While rising case levels are causing families everywhere to rethink holiday plans, Lyndsay Volpe-Bertram, PsyD, has advice we can hang our tinsel on: “COVID-19 ain’t stopping Santa.”
She acknowledges that for many, 2020 has caused genuine grief, even if no one close to us is sick.
“There have been so many small losses this year,” she said. “And if you are the kind of person who longs for large family gatherings and plenty of long visits with extended family, this year is going to feel very different.”
But different, she said, doesn’t have to mean terrible.
“This situation has made it very easy for people to catastrophize and predict things will be worse than they are,” Dr. Volpe-Bertram said. “But just because the holidays may look different this year, it doesn’t mean we have lost them.”
And with a little planning, “we can still make the most of family connections, even when we’re physically distanced.”
Consider your approach
The first step? Don’t just share the rules. Share the love.
“Protecting families may take some firm boundary setting, and family members may be disappointed at a declined invitation or a canceled event,” she said. “But if you quickly follow it up with ideas of how to connect, it will lessen the sting.”
Before making alternative plans, check guidelines about social gatherings, including the CDC’s national holiday guidelines, as well as regional recommendations.
Then, when planning out how this holiday will look and feel, pay close attention to kids and make sure to not let adult-sized angst color their perceptions.
“My kids are young—5 and 2. I’m pretty sure that if I tell them this is going to be the best holiday ever, they’ll believe me,” she said.
Teens may have a tougher time.
“They may not be the most rational creatures, but we can still validate what they’re feeling,” Dr. Volpe-Bertram said. “They’d probably rather be spending more time with friends than with family, and it’s normal for them to feel sad and angry that they can’t.”
Focus on family favorites
Next, drill down on what people love most about the holiday, from the youngest to the eldest in your family. Holiday 2020 doesn’t have to be about all the things we canceled.
“Think about traditions that matter the most, and find a different way to honor them,” she said.
Bond with food
Families that live near each other can cook for one another and drop food off on the doorstep, “so they are sharing a meal.”
For distanced families, this might be the year to make cookies and mail them to family members.
Organize family challenges around food. “Show them off over video calls—whose Jell-O mold turned out the best? The worst?”
Schedule some sentiment
Zoom-ing through an entire meal or Christmas morning probably isn’t practical, so find ways to share words that mean the most.
Ask a grandparent to read “A Visit from St. Nicholas” just for the kids. Set a time to call in for a toast, a shared blessing, or a quick round of “This year, I’m most grateful for…”
Belt out the tunes
The pandemic packs a bitter punch for those who love caroling or gathering around a family piano: Singing spreads coronavirus cooties.
But virtual singing is perfectly safe, so stage an online sing-along.
Game on
Many families jumped into virtual game nights early in the pandemic, but it’s not too late to start.
Apps like House Party, Google Hangouts and Zoom make it easy. Just set a time, pick a theme, suggest snack ideas–and roll the dice.
Take it outside
“Virtual walks and runs have been popular throughout the pandemic,” she said. “Those are safely done at a distance. Or you can bring your phone and talk to family members as they walk a similar course in another place.”
For outdoor activities, remember to mask up and stay at least 6 feet away from those not in your immediate household.
Dress for dinner
Clothes make every party more festive.
“My sister and I are planning to dress our kids in matching pajamas to make us all feel more together while we video chat–and it might even make it easy for us to Photoshop pictures later,” she said.
And if ugly sweaters are part of the family tradition? “Why not make it a video contest?”
Don’t forget New Year’s Eve
Many people can’t wait to say “Auld Lang Syne” to 2020. Consider a way to connect that day as well, turning a page to a new—and hopefully, healthier—year.
Keep it in perspective
Finally, it helps to acknowledge silver linings.
“It may feel good to know that you don’t have to cram the kids in a car and drive three hours, go nuts cooking a meal for 18 people or spend as much on gifts,” Dr. Volpe Bertram said. “And remember—this is just one holiday season of our lives. It’s not forever.”
Super suggestions for families with small children however as a family with grown unmarried children and elderly parents cute outfits and reindeer games won’t work. My 89 & 91 yo parents fear there will not be another Christmas for them due to their age. Mom cries every time the subject of Christmas comes up. This virus won’t kill them but loneliness and isolation will.
Hi Diane. We understand. This is definitely a difficult time for us all, and especially for those who are isolated at home. Cards, care packages, porch dropoffs, calls, video calls, putting lights up in their yard without contact… all these can bring a bit of cheer to the holidays for those we love. If possible, bundled-up (and masked) walks around the neighborhood on nice days are good for the soul and body. Here is an article on guarding against loneliness – https://healthbeat.spectrumhealth.org/guard-against-loneliness-covid19-pandemic-psychology-tips/ – that may be helpful. And, if you are planning to stop in for a short, socially distanced, masked and careful meeting with your vulnerable loved ones, here is an article about how ventilation can help – https://healthbeat.spectrumhealth.org/fresh-air-solution-covid19-hvac-indoor-air-virus-reduction/. Best wishes to you and yours.
Diane,
This year my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. Christmas is their FAVORITE. They are social distancing, but we are going to surprise my grandma and grandpa outside their house and sing them Christmas carols. Maybe you could do something similar to spread some cheer and for them to see your faces!
Diane is absolutely right. I’m in a similar situation; while I don’t have adult kids, I don’t have any other family, either. Even if I did have a family, video calls are NOT an acceptable substitute for a visit during the holidays. Singing carols outside their house is NOT an acceptable substitute for enjoying time with loved ones. These articles from so-called “experts” always focus on people with families, and I think many of them actually believe things like video calls or singing at people from a distance are constructive suggestions. These articles do more harm than good, in my opinion. They either don’t consider—or simply don’t care about—those of us who have no loved ones. I generally go out to buy myself a nice meal on Christmas Eve, but since that was illegal this year (take-out is also NOT an acceptable substitute), I was required to simply sit at home. For those like me with no one to share the holiday, this year simply didn’t have a holiday season. The longer this pandemic panic continues, the longer it will be before I’m even allowed to look for one to love.
Wishing you all the best, Marc. Here is hoping that 2021 will be better for us all.